Asking Your Man to Spank You

Most of what I write is aimed toward the head of the home, who is the man. Here I want to engage a common difficulty for women: that is how do they get their man to start spanking them. I talk on this topic from both ends in my piece on bringing discipline into your marriage, but I’d like to spend some time just on the difficulty for women. How to attract their men to discipline, and also to do so in a submissive way, without sounding like they demand it, or just have to get it. The dynamic is a little different for women bringing up the need, than it is for men, because women are women, and they are the submissive partners.


I take much of this discussion straight from several sources — Firstly from how women I knew approached me with the idea. Secondly, from my own experience of what men like and don’t like to hear. And thirdly, from much advice already online from women, who brought the topic to their husband’s attention, and found him willing to at least give it a try. Like much of what I write, I don’t mean to be comprehensive, but I think there are several main strategies to use. I also think it is important to remember that there is no way to truly get him to do it, but only to suggest it to him, and make it meaningful and attractive to him. There is a decent chance it will fail, simply because he does not wish to, even if you have done your best.


How can the woman who really desires to be spanked approach her husband with the idea? This might be a woman who knows she needs the discipline of spanking, and to be kept in line. It could be a woman who finds an appeal in the deep sense of submission, and how spanking will help her to grow in submission and be soft to her husband. It might be one who simply sees it will help her leave behind harmful habits. She can and should approach her husband with her desire, and with an honest will to show him what is good about the practice. She should be prepared to explain her needs. She should be patient with him as well, as not all men will be able to wrap their heads around it, or grasp the depth of it, overnight. She also needs to be able to make suggestions in a truly submissive way, without telling him what to do, or sounding pushy, or manipulative. She simply want to make her needs known, and be willing to explain.


I believe the most obvious time to bring up the subject of discipline, and of spankings, is during a discussion of the marital relationship of headship and submission. This is true of both man and woman. It naturally offers some entrance ways into this topic. A discussion of marital headship can lead to the question of what to do when the wife does not follow her husband. This is your chance, if your man does not himself bring up discipline, to suggest that when you don’t obey that you think he could punish you. True, it may not be easy to say. Some women would be afraid their men would be shocked. But you need to bring it up sometime and this is a great opportunity. Let him know that when you have trouble with respect and submitting to him, you can use his strong leadership, including that he discipline you. If you have not been explicit already, he may ask exactly what kind of discipline, or punishment would help you. that’s your chance to explain that you want to be spanked when you get out of line. You could bring up that you have communicated online with women who have found that spanking helped them in their behavior, and you think it would help you a lot.

You can also bring up the topic just as advantageously when you have done something wrong, and upset your husband or your fiance. He may point this out to you, and express his displeasure. You can let him know — I think it would help if you punished me when I acted that way. I once had a woman say nearly those exact words to me — and I’d been planning to bring it up anyway — and her suggestion led to her very soon discipline over my knee. It was her first. I’m not suggesting it will be that easy, but it is an opportune time, since your poor behavior is in the spotlight and he is already displeased. Perhaps he’s wondering what to do about it. If he does not know what you mean when you tell him you need to be punished, that’s the time for you to express your desire to be spanked.

If your husband is one to already do some amount of erotic spanking — even if it’s just his hand smacking your butt a lot in bed — that is a good jumping off point as well. More people are tolerant of and understanding of spanking’s erotic form. You can let him know, not long after he spanks you in bed, that you might need it other times as well. If he’s already seen attraction to spanking, you can ask him what he finds attractive, and why he likes it. That’s your chance to explain why you like it and why you think you need it other times too and what it can do for you. Never let a good time in the bedroom go to waste.


When your man sees you are serious about wanting to be spanked, unless he already has a personal desire himself, he may still have many questions, some objections, and some confusion about its purpose. Be patient in explaining and do your best. Like others, your man might think that spanking is for children, and that it’s oddball for an adult to need a spanking. He may think you do a fine job marriage already, so why would you need to be spanked to do a better job. As trained by the culture, he may have learned that spanking for discipline is “abuse” and think it demeans you somehow. Many Christians today think that if they are not acting as tender as that sweet 2nd-grade teacher they had, they’re not being Christian enough. Be prepared to deal patiently with each of these concerns and more. You cannot make someone desire a thing, but you can help remove obstacles from before their eyes. That way they see it more clearly.

Above anything, a man who is not acquainted with discipline spankings simply may not see their purpose. Even if they seem attractive on some level, it may seem in his mind either like sex play or a mere outlet when he is upset with you. Yet either one of these ideas is a distortion. Like I say elsewhere, and I can’t emphasize this point enough, he’s got to really see his role as leader and all it entails. He’s got to see the fact that as leader he provides you rules and has authority over you daily. All of this out of love and for your good and protection. If he sees this broader picture, and embraces his role as authority, spanking will fit in better in its rightful purpose — which is keeping you from stepping out of bounds, and keeping you in your rightful place. That doesn’t mean he will desire spanking, but it will give him the right perspective from which to analyze and see its usefulness.

Naturally, you don’t have to do all the talking yourself, as there is plenty of material on wife spanking available online. In fact, if you did too much talking, it may end up as an argument, or sound like nagging. Sometimes it is better for him to learn on his own, and from someone other that you. Connect him with good material by spanking husbands which describes how they do things, as well as testimonies from wives on how it benefits them. He may even speak with some husbands personally if he desires to learn more. There is a great deal of variety in the domestic discipline material out there, and it comes in varying qualities, but sort through it and find something you think would be edifying for him to read. Seeing material which represents some variety in discipline isn’t necessarily bad either, so he can see there isn’t a formula for how to do things, but rather a set of guiding principles to follow.

If your husband is willing to  begin disciplining you, you should do your part to help him see its good and its effect on you. Let him see your submissiveness, and the ease with which a spanking leads you to deeper gentleness toward him and softness. Let him see by your bettered behavior that his work is helpful to you. Let him see how his rules, and his correction of you, are guiding you well. Likewise, don’t be afraid to show him that his correction leads you to a deeper desire for sexual submission, as it does many women. You should be showing him that all the time, of course, but it is deepened and often devotion is made more strong, by a firm spanking. Leave any intimacy after a spanking up to him, but let him know you belong to him sexually and desire to fully please him. Seeing the ease with which things work through discipline, seeing the ease with which you follow him after a spanking, is a sign to your husband that this is working. It’s not only for you, it’s for the marriage and the home. Make it easy for him by letting his correction benefit you.


Women have a unique challenge in seeking out what they desire — which is that they do not do it from an authority position. They do it from a position under their husband. Any woman who is accustomed to this, and comfortable with it, will be able to still approach the subject and ask their husbands for what they desire — they simply do it with gentleness, and while showing a high respect for him. They do it by ultimately respecting his decision too. Some simple asking and explaining can accomplish this goal. So will asking him about his desires, and how he sees it. So as not to be ever present in the discussion, leaving him with material to read will also help in gentle encouraging your husband to give it a try. As you will hear from others — be careful what you wish for. A spanking is not easy to take. It is humbling and it hurts. Being refined is a process, and will take work and discipline on your part, and biting down on your ego. If your man runs with the idea, be ready to be trained, and for some things in your life to change. You will have to spend a little time in the fire to be made a better woman.

Published by aronhusband

I am a happily married man from the U.S. who's been blessed with five children. I write about marital discipline in a Christian home at my website spankingyourwife.wordpress.com. It contains articles on spanking in marriage, as well as advice on leading the home. I offer personal advice and mentorship in marriage to men or women who contact me. I long to see more and better marriages, in my country and the world.

16 thoughts on “Asking Your Man to Spank You

  1. I’m in a loving marriage of 30 years. We married young (18 & 19) and with very little direction on marriage other than love and respect. I always knew I wanted a strong take charge man, but then life happened and he allowed me to make the rules as to not cause a fight. We’ve dealt with troubles, but our love has brought us through, but recently I’ve had this draw from deep within me for his direction, leadership, to feel his authority. With that I have longed for his loving control and firmness. I kindly spoke to him about discipline and training, he has listened, but more in a playful way. I fear I’ve robbed myself of the husband I know he was and should be. I’ve not been the wife I should of been. How can I help him to spank me in a firm disciplined manner? I want his training and discipline. I crave his strength and correction. He doesn’t ask me for much of anything anymore, but I know he loves me, but he’s been trained to be content, but I know we could be so much more. I’ve become emotional over how I’ve robbed myself of the man I once had. Sorry for my rambling.

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    1. Hello Heartbroken, Thank you for writing. Yours is a common and sad situation in marriages today. Everyone focuses on love, or a very confused view of equality, but important aspects of marriage get neglected. Marriage without the authority of the man, and submission of the wife, lacks some vital organs.

      You can sense that innately in your bones, without needing it explained. Many marriages today are settling for half of what they could be. I would not give up on your husband. I have seen more or less passive husbands, who settled for contentedness, turn around in a very short time. They need to see the importance of their authority. They have to understand how it will work. But you can trust they have that same innate sense in the bones as you do. He knows he is a man, and strong, and fulfilled in leading you, just as you know you are a woman, and soft, and fulfilled by his power. It can just take time for him to see the bigger picture, and overcome certain obstacles.

      Most important is that your husband grasps leadership and submission before anything else. It is that relationship that makes better sense of discipline, and in which discipline will fit in. Outside of his authority, discipline makes little sense. I would keep working on discussing it with your husband, and explaining its importance. Give him some material to read on being the head of the home, and on discipline.

      Be patient, and you may find very good things to come. I hope you both will enjoy the benefits of bringing the right order to your marriage.

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      1. Thank you for your response! Your words speak such truth. I will continue to share with him benefits of spanking, discipline, and training and I will pray he will find his way back as leader. Thank you again for your time and the information this site shares.

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  2. I’ve been sharing the journey of the past few days as comments on a different blog entry but I think this comment belongs over here. For any readers that didn’t see the other thread, I always wanted discipline to be part of my marriage but then I turned against the idea of submission completely. A few days ago the Lord started drawing me back and convicting me and turning my desire towards obeying my husband and now I see what a mess I am having developed a domineering and lazy character towards him. In the midst of this my husband and I started having some very real conversations about my sin towards him which uncovered my husband’s insecurities about leading me and disciplining me. He also shared with me that his faith has been unsteady as well so I am grateful that the Lord is waking me up because I don’t think the Lord could use me to help him very well while I am taking a position over him and honestly I am probably part of what has shaken him. If you are a believer in Jesus and reading this please pray for us.

    I’ve been humbling myself to my husband and I’ve been asking him to discipline me but has expressed a lot of reluctance, although greatfully he has covered me by not shaming me for such a desire. I have been reading this blog to him and I’ve been so afraid he might at some point look down on me for reading this sort of stuff, because it’s so racey, and definitely not “normal” among anyone we know, and yet he has not.

    Last night I lost my temper for a few moments with my husband and he looked right at me after a moment and said, “Are you ready for your spanking now?” I just looked at him unable to bring myself to answer, then averted my eyes in shame. His question completely leveled me and stopped me in my tracks.

    He left the room to go do something he needed to get done before bed, and he came back and asked if I’m ready to go to bed. I told him he was and asked him if I was going to get a spanking. He said no, he didn’t think I needed one. I spoke up and said that actually I think I really do deserve one. He changed his tone and slowed down for a minute and asked me why I deserved one.
    So I confessed my sin to him verbally which was hard but so relieving that we were finally talking on this level and I told him that I lost my temper at him and I was bossing him around and I should be spanked. And he said,”Well ok then. Let’s do this. Let’s go.”

    I know a lot of women talk about the first spanking being filled with trepidation and fear and I just felt the most incredible sense of relief and overwhelming gratefulness that he was meeting me in this way and in this place. We went to the bedroom and on the way we discussed how we were going to do this, because we really didn’t have any implement selected for such an occurrence, and he told me not to worry about it he could figure it out. We got to the bedroom and the most tremendous thunder I have ever heard rumbled from outside into our room. I was literally frightened that someone had set off a bomb outside, it hadn’t been storming and I honestly didn’t even think it was thunder. That was the first moment of fear, and my husband calmly looked at me and said that the Lord was thundering as I’m about to get my first real spanking. Then he told me to undress and I quickly did so and got up on the bed and presented my rear end on my knees.

    We had a quarter inch dowel sitting around and he decided to use that. Again he asked me why I was being spanked and why I deserved it. Again I confessed how out of order I have been. He asked me how many strokes he should give me, and I was silent for a minute trying to figure out what the answer to that should be, until finally I told him that he should give me as many strokes as he wants to. He told me that that was a very good answer. And he spanked me.

    It was a pretty light spanking and when he was done I expressed my gratefulness to him but also explained that it really didn’t hurt that much and he really would do well to spank me longer and harder. So he had me resume the position and he went about twice as hard and twice as long. Honestly I would have to say for the sake of record that having experienced it, a quarter inch dowel is not a very good disciplinary instrument for a solid spanking. I could see it working maybe if he used it for like a half hour straight or something, but even so it did have a sting enough for me to feel humbled and know that I was receiving my husband’s displeasure, even if it wasn’t a horrible painful experience. But he got nervous because he said there were definite marks showing up on my butt. I told him he didn’t need to worry about it if he marks me that it’s okay, that it won’t last long. He said he wanted to stop there and see how that looks tomorrow as a first experiment for him, and that I will probably get worse in the future.

    I just cannot express the waves of relief that washed over me, knowing that he would turn to me in this way, that he does not reject disciplining me, that I am going to be instructed and taught by him even as I try to submit to the Lord, I just kept thanking him over and over and over. I guess no one knows how they’re going to feel about their actual spanking when it comes, I have read stories of women being surprised at their reactions, and I must admit I was just as surprised at mine. It was like he took a huge burden off my heart and I could relax and be at peace that I am not alone and trying to learn to be a godly wife and then I am not alone as I crave this side of intimacy with my husband, that intimate marital love reflects both the kindness and severity of the Lord, and that I no longer need to worry that I will not have the full measure of both.

    After my spanking we got to the kindness part, and as we were together my heart just spilled out over him. I apologize for all the times and arguments that I had called my husband a misogynist, and I told him that he is not a misogynist and that I want him to be a man to me and I will be a woman to him and there is no misogyny here. I told my extremely gentle husband who I had accused of abuse at one point in our relationship that there is no such thing as abuse between us and that I am never going to leave him and I will never accuse him of abuse. I even told him that if he is angry at me, he should spank me in his anger, because it is right for my backside to absorb his displeasure when I have provoked it. I told him that I long for him to spank me to the point where I will regret having asked for it, and then please be consistent, and not let me escape bending to his will. I am a very strong-minded and very outspoken woman and I thought perhaps he married me for these traits, but I told him I want to learn to be meek and quiet before him, and asked him if he would want that, and to my surprise he said yes. So I asked him if he would instruct me and train me, and he said he had gotten so used to overlooking all my actions of disrespect that nine times out of 10 he just lets things go on by, but that he is going to work on not letting them go by and calling me out on them all the time. He said he is glad that we are starting a new chapter in our relationship. I never took his name when we got married and I told him that I need to go change that. He liked that idea. I told him I’ve been spending money behind his back and the sun on it to lying and that this ends today. And I renewed my covenant with him before the Lord, that I would submit to his discipline as well and never leave him or accuse him of abuse. He said he heard my profession and covenant before the Lord and receives it.

    He pointed to my dirty clothes laying all over our bedroom floor and told me he expected them to all be gone by tomorrow. I told him they would be. I suggested to him that there are so many things wrong in our marriage that maybe he pick one at a time to really work out of me and then move on to the next one and the next one. He said he thought that was a good idea, but that also things may arise from time to time that he will just deal with in the moment like me losing my temper with him this evening. We agreed and cuddled and it was so relieving and amazing. And holy.

    Thank you Aron. The Lord bless you and your wife and your family.
    -Heather

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    1. That’s really exciting. Congratulations on starting with discipline in your marriage. It’s important now that that barrier is down, and your husband will now move forward in instructing and correcting you. He will take up that role step by step. I know it must be a relief. I’m sure he will find a heavier instrument to deal with your spankings, which will leave you more thoroughly punished and cleansed. It’s my pleasure to be able to help. Bless you and your family.

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    2. I read somewhere that somebody found a plastic clothes hanger to be a pretty useful implement, so yesterday I told that to hubs and asked if he wanted to check it out with me. He had me swat him with it like twice so he could know what it felt like, and then he tried it out of me a few times. As he got a little bolder with it, I was like yeah that hurts, that delivers a message. Then I was so surprised because then he commanded me to get up on the bed on my knees and told me he was going to give me 5 of them. That was so new that he wanted to just give me stripes just to make me feel them and feel his own power I guess. And then what really was wild was that he didn’t stop at 5, he made it more like 10. Then he stopped and said he thought that was enough. I told him yeah I really felt that, that 10 was ok to just remind me of his authority, but that if he wanted to punish me he shouldn’t be afraid to give me much more than that, like more like 50. He was shocked. We talked about that some more, I just encouraged him, “you’re not going to hurt me. You could give me a hundred and you’re not going to hurt me. Please be lavish with your discipline of me, please be more afraid of not disciplining me enough than being afraid you will discipline me too much. ”
      I feel like I am out of my mind to say these things out loud that have been in my mind forever. It’s so humiliating and I keep seeing online all the people accusing people like me of just having a fetish. I don’t want my husband to think of this as a fetish.

      Last night I asked my husband if there was anything he would like me to do today for him around the house. First he just said, “Surprise me.” Then after a moment he said well one thing I would like you to do is to move my wash from the washer to the dryer please. I agreed.

      This morning as he was getting ready for work he asked again if I would please remember to move his stuff into the dryer. I agreed.

      And then 20 minutes later while he was still getting ready for work popped in to say again, “please don’t forget to move my stuff from the washer to the dryer.” This time I looked up and said, ” I will! Because if I don’t you will spank me. ”

      He said,” well that’s a bit extreme. ”

      And I protested, “But it’s not! If you have only asked me to do one tiny thing with my time today, one tiny thing, and I do not do it, how much respect do I have for your word?”

      He replied, ” okay then. ”

      And then I sheepishly asked, ” am I being too weird?”

      He replied, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!”

      Before he finally got out for work, he popped in to ask me to do another chore as well.

      I’m sharing this because I guess it shows the more I lower myself to him and demonstrate my own dedication to be submitted to him and my own understanding of the rightfulness of his punishment, the more he seems to be willing to embrace it, at least so far. It’s taking a lot more than, “I like the idea of you spanking me.” It’s taking a real willingness on my part to lower myself to him and make a very clear statement of the truths involved in my role, and my behavior, and our situation.

      On one hand it would be ideal if he was taking the lead in training and reproving me, but there’s something that seems just that in my long rebellion to him that I have to lower myself and beg for him to come back into his rightful place. In other words if this was just some sdbm thing, perhaps the mere fooling around with spanking would be sufficient to the thing, but this is not, this is about a lifelong commitment of covenant with each other and my role within it of one that must come under him. And therein lies the real difficulty, getting up on the bed and taking a spanking is not the difficult part, the difficult part is the verbal continual relinquishment of my former relationship with him where I could do whatever I want, and bend him to my will. If I seek in any way to bend him to my will currently, it is only to reestablish his total control over me, and I am being careful to allow him to be holding the reins, ultimately I just want him to know his full permission and power, and my willingness and desire that he embrace it. I would step back if he protested it, but he seems to be taking my offering to heart, and just like testing out a hanger led to five which then became 10, gradually taking it out of my hands altogether.

      I hope it is okay I am sharing this here, it has helped so much for me to write these things down and then read over them again day by day, and also to receive the encouragement of being affirmed by you Aron as the Lord has taken me down this road and changed things so very quickly. My husband told me again yesterday that he is very happy with the very quick change in our marriage, that just suddenly seemed to come out of nowhere the past few days.

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  3. Hello, I just wanted to say I’ve found ur posts very informative. My fiancé & I met later in life, I was 47 & he 44, but right from the start we both fell naturally into our roles. I now kno I’ve been needing a decent, no nonsense, real man my whole life. I was a very spoiled child & it followed me into adulthood. Im very lucky he loves me enough to discipline me when needed & also, not, when it’s not warranted. It seems to me ur wife is also very lucky to have found u. Thanks for ur thoughts on the subject of disciplinary living, it makes me feel like im not crazy for wanting this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome, Jen. I’m very honored to be able to help you along in using discipline in marriage. The benefits are often immediate. I have seen my wife grow from submitting to my leadership, guidance, and correction. She knows where the rails are and always tries to stay within them.

      Along with teaching about how discipline works, I also want others to know, as you say, they are not crazy for living this way. Marital discipline is common, and normal to our human nature. In history, it’s been practiced for thousands of years. Once we are able to see through the culture’s smears and stigma, we can see how it fits naturally into nearly any marriage.

      I am always thrilled to see another couple begin.

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  4. Aron, my physician put me on a low carb diet because I am borderline Type 2 Diabetic. So I immediately went and excluded all carbs from my diet and that was a year ago and I lost 72lbs. Now I teeter totter back and forth, knowing good and well this is wrong and not to mention unhealthy I know. I have struggled with NOT following thru on lots of things that I start and I need accountability. I got on the scale today and I had gained 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks because I cheated. I told my husband and he was angry. I asked him to give me 10 spanks, 1 for each pound I had gained because I have been disobedient. He said, yes you have and you are the 1 paying for it, but worse case scenerio you could become a diabetic and have to take shots!! I said, Yes Sir I know. I said, will you spank me please I need to have a very sore bottom and I believe this will help me not to eat carbs if I know I am going to get the strap. He said he needs time to think about this and he will let me know. He said if I agree to do this you won’t like the out come because I will not be gentle!! I said, Yes, Sir I do not want you to be gentle that is the whole point of me being disciplined, it is for me to feel the heat of my wrong doing on my backside.

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    1. That’s very good news! Thank you for sharing. It’s also an important area for a husband to take charge of. Not caring for health has consequences. It sounds like your husband will give it serious thought. I hope he gives you the firm correction you need and have been waiting for. Let us know how it turns out.

      On a note about health, you know the Christian should be fasting regularly. That is a spiritual discipline, committed to the Lord’s purposes, but it also comes with some health benefits. It cuts the excess. It cleans the system. At the minimum, it trains us to not be too attached to those physical pleasures, and to accept lack and want with contentment.

      Blessing to you both.

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